Rejoice! Rejoice! The pandemic is over!
At least that's what I'm assuming is about to happen, since the White House has removed the Centers for Disease Control's responsibility for making Covid-19 related statistics available to the public. That's got to mean the pandemic is dying out in the United States and the CDC can go back to tracking important things like number of people infected with reason by godless Democrats.
Mark my words, within a few days...maybe weeks, the coronavirus will become a thing of the past. There'll be no new cases, the death rate will drop to zero, and hospitals will be begging for patients.
After all, the White House under Cadet Bonespurs has proven to be the most reliable source on the planet, overtaking the National Enquirer as the most honest--make that honestest--information provider the universe has ever seen.
I did not make that up. Several of my friends from Alpha Centauri swear by it.
Americans should also breathe easy, but not on one another quite yet, to know the Donald has finally rid us of that impish know-it-all Dr. Anthony Fauci. He claimed to only deal in facts, but thanks to Chuck Woolery, we now know facts is latin for lies.
And speaking of, who better to lead a pandemic hoax response team than a former game show host? If a reality show conman can Make America Grate Again (TM), then why not?
You should expect that announcement soon. Rumor has it we'll also get a new Transportation Secretary from the great state of Alaska, a jolly old soul by the name of S. Anta Claus.
And what will become of the current Secretary, Elaine Chao? We understand she'll be reassigned to lead a submarine team in search of swamp creatures that need to be pardoned. As the wife of Senator Yertle McConnell, she's intimate with the habits of bottom dwellers and knows her way around ooze.
Speaking of ooze, the Party of Linked-In is doing all it can to make the country safe from Governor Do-Gooders who, beyond all explanation, are trying to keep the people in their states safe from the hoax pandemic. In every state that has inadvertently elected someone with a -D after their name, they are suing the beejesus out of the governor's office.
You might find it odd governor's with an -R after their names aren't getting sued for carrying out basically the same hoax induced actions. But that's easy to explain because lawyers for the antichrist want no part of beejesus or -D carrying governors.
So rejoice my friends! The days of pandemic and fear and that whole melting pot country craziness will soon come to an end. If you get a little wheeze after that Myrtle Beach vacation, it's just because your lungs are filled with freedom.
And Lord knows, nothing brings an end to freedom like a bunch of goody two-shoes and blind sheep running around wearing masks. Unless, of course, they're pointed at the top.