It's a new era in column construction here at Paddling Upstream headquarters. We've traded our keyboard and crayon for the ultimate tool of truth. These words are now written in Sharpie.
For years the noble marker has existed in relative obscurity, relegated to mundane tasks like plaster cast signatures and CD labeling. Some lucky Sharpies made it into the fingers of entertainment superstars for autograph sessions.
But thanks to Donald the Great, Emperor of MAGALand, the Sharpie will forever be elevated to it's rightful place as Fixer of Fake Forcasts. Got a hurricane path map that needs fixing? A few deft Sharpie strokes will do the trick and hardly anybody will notice.
And most importantly, that Sharpie will prove your point no matter how pointless and petty. With a Sharpie you can turn that petty into pretty. And no one can argue the Donald doesn't know pretty. Or petty.
In anticipation of it's certain explosion in value, we cleared Staples of their entire inventory of Tools of Truth yesterday. Speculation is what opinion writing is all about, so why not make some money from it?
You can get one on my website for the low, low introductory price of $99.99. Each. That value will only increase over time which is the opposite of your stock in Trump Air.
What makes the Sharpie such a valuable ultimate weapon is labeled right on each and every one. It's filled with permanent ink. It will never, ever, fade away, unlike labor unions and fidget spinners.
The cast will crumble, the t-shirt will unravel and that weather map will disintegrate long before that super Sharpie ink disappears. Those marks will last far longer than the tenures of Trump's National Security Advisors.
Got poll numbers that don't jive with your self image? Grab that sharpie and make them sing your praises. Those 98% approval ratings will never change...unless you want to raise them.
Trying to fix an election to give your party more permanence? Forget gerrymandering those districts. It's time for some Sharpiemandering. Once drawn, no high court could ever blur those lines.
Do you want to build a wall not only on our southern border, but on our northern border to keep those godless Canadians at bay? You know the answer by now. Grab that map and Sharpie and draw baby draw.
Then all you have to do is say you built it and your devotees will fight anyone who says otherwise. That's the power of the Sharpie.
But wait, we've saved the best for last. Those of you who aren't so sure about a black and white world have an outlet, too. Sharpies come in 16 regular colors, 4 neon colors and 3 metallic colors. That's plenty of choices for the backward folks who still believe in the melting pot meme.
We'll sell you the rainbow package for only 36 payments of $49.99. And we'll toss in an extra wide black marker to the first 100 orders.
You can throw away your crayons now, you don't need them anymore. Make your words forever like we did.
Just follow the lead of the Oval Office Orange and grab 'em by the Sharpie.