Merry Christmas. War is over.
If you don't count Afghanistan or Yemen or Honduras or other places bombs are going off, that is.
Those aren't conflicts most Americans care about anyway. The War on most American's minds for years is the one that really counts.
The War on Christmas.
But what I've been noticing this holiday season is the lack of coverage of that infernal friction. No matter where you look, the press is mum on Christmas clashes.
Even the fomenter of feigned fury, Fox, has stopped reporting the casualties of the holey war.
That can mean only one thing: the War is over.
Wonder who won?
To get an answer, I pulled strings and contacted the secret society that fired the first shots. If you know someone, they'll call you from a burner phone.
I'm betting you haven't heard of Ain't Merry Christmas--Patriots Against Claus, Elves & Reindeer. I hadn't either...or so I thought.
My instructions were cryptic. Someone would call me and ask what kind of car I was looking for. My reply had to be exact or no interview.
When the call came, I was ready with the secret code when I heard the question.
"AMC Pacer."
"That's us, you can call me O'Hair, what do you want?"
"Thanks for calling me. I haven't heard anything about the War for a while, I can count the number of "If saying Merry Christmas offends you..." memes I've gotten on Facebook this year on one finger. My questions are is it over and, if it is, who won?"
"That's simple SJ. Yes and isn't it obvious?"
"So what you're saying is there really was a war and you lost?"
"Yes and no."
"That's interesting. I never really thought there was a war on Christmas. But if you didn't lose, who did?"
"You tell me. Yes, there are still lights and pagents and Santas this time of year. But that's not the real Christmas, right?"
"How long has the war been over?"
"We disarmed a few years ago. It turned out the folks we were fighting was doing a better job killing Christmas than we ever were."
"Say what?"
"Jeez buddy, do I need to draw you a picture? A poor, refugee couple seeking shelter gives birth to a savior who grows up to heal the sick, feed the hungry and die for your shortcomings.
In America today, people who claim to follow his teaching want to throw refugees in jail. The guy they put in the White House wants a wall to keep them out or he'll shut down the government during the holidays so a half million working taxpayers will go unpaid. The only person he'd save is himself.
The people they elect to congress want to bankrupt the sick and watch them waste away. They want to take food out of the mouths of the poor so the rich can have more caviar. They want to wage war with your children and convince them it's in the name of Jesus.
No SJ, there hasn't been a War for a while. Turns out it was unnecessary. Christmas fell to a coup."