Last Saturday, for a few odd minutes, I felt like Elvis. I hope it never happens again.
You're likely wondering what it took to get that sensation. For me just an expired container of pomegranite yogurt.
My day started with coffee. After a couple of cups, I'm ready for breakfast. I've traded bacon for oatmeal, preceded by yogurt.
The day moved like most Saturdays,. After chores around the house, I got out for some fresh air. It feels great to be outside on these crisp November days.
By late afternoon, I was heading over to my girlfriend's in Whitesburg to go out to dinner. I hadn't eaten anything since the oatmeal, so I was hungry.
On the way to Prime 606, I felt a cramp in my stomach, light and quick. I put it off as hunger pains.
Waiting to be seated, the cramp came back, a wave of pain coming and going. Nothing to be alarmed about though. Once seated, another wave, a little worse. After ordering our drinks, another cramp hit.
"Val, I'm having a weird stomach pain all of a sudden," I said.
"Maybe you need to go the bathroom," she replied.
So I proceeded to the men's room. The pains were increasing in intensity and duration.
Hoping for relief, I dashed into the stall, locked it, dropped my pants and sat down. This is a family paper, so don't picture that.
As the pain increased to a level somewhere between big toe being crushed by a dropped propane tank and kidney stones (yes, I've experienced both), I held on to the handicap rails on either side of the commode and pushed.
After a minute of pushing with no relief, something else hit me. I broke into a cold sweat and my vision began quickly narrowing. In a matter of minutes I'd gone from feeling great to barely conscious and wondering how much longer I had to live.
And this is the moment, my friends, sitting alone on the throne, pants to my ankles, that I had my Elvis moment.
I was about to die on the toilet just like the King.
My only thought became they aren't going to find me like this. I struggled to stand and get my pants up. It took forever just to get the stall open. Once free, I stumbled out the restroom door and two more steps before the floor rose right up to meet me.
The folks at the restaurant and a dining EMT jumped to my assistance and in a few minutes I was sitting up and drinking a little water. I talked them into letting me return to the restroom to finish what I'd started. Sweet relief.
I refused the ambulance and Val took me to the emergency room. Once measured, monitored, and poked, with all tests coming back normal, the doctor told me what happened. And it's hard to believe.
I experienced vasovagal syncope. That's the medical term for fainting. Turns out you can push so hard on the throne it cuts blood circulation to your head. And it's not uncommon. Who knew?
If Elvis had only known.