I've decided to update my LinkedIn account. There are a lot of high profile job openings out there and several could have my name written all over them.
Don't fear, faithful reader. Nothing could get in the way of the nearly 3/4 hour a week of hand-wringing and night sweat that result in this column. I could easily handle any of these jobs in my spare time.
Kind of like being president.
Which drives us right to our first opening: Uber is looking for a new Chief Executive Officer after its founder was forced out for doing the kinds of things founders aren't supposed to get caught doing.
Instead of wallowing in mistakes let's take a look at what's needed to run a $70 billion corporation solely dependent on a smart-phone app and people with cars.
Is the app working? Yes. Got a bank account? Yes. Then keep the app running and collect the money.
And here's why I'm the man for the job: I know uber is German for superior, thus making me the uber-candidate. I can also drive a car and find Greasy Creek without a map which are two up on the previous CEO.
Of course, CEO of a glorified taxi service may not be what I'm really after. It really isn't as showtime as I often see myself.
Something like general manager of a professional basketball squad could be right up my alley. I hear Cleveland is in the market for a person whose only job is to find guys who want to play with the best player on the planet.
The word is the last guy wanted more than the $2,000,000 he got a year. Clearly, some people don't know how good they've got it. Dear Dan Gilbert, I'm your man for only 3/4 of that. That's an extra half a million you can spend on Lebron posters!
Although I have no discernible basketball background, I do know people who do and isn't gathering talent what it's all about anyway? I can't be any worse than that Jackson guy in New York.
The place with the most openings is none other than our nation's capital, Washington, DC. 442 of 539 positions that require Senate confirmation remain unfilled by the Trump administration. They don't even have candidates!
The press say the Donald is having a hard time finding people who want to work in his administration. I say hogwash!
Which is why, today, I call on the Virus in the Oval Office to nominate me for Surgeon General. I am the perfect candidate for a Trump nomination.
Why? Let's start with experience. Like most of his cabinet secretaries, I have absolutely no experience in the department I would valiantly lead. I am neither a surgeon, nor a general.
I have, however, visited medical and military facilities, thus making me the de facto expert in both subjects amongst all people typing this paragraph right now. As surgeon general, I promise to uphold our country's commitment to general surgery for any and all who can afford it. And take your vitamins.
There are rumors Trump might be looking for a press secretary. I'll just tell you now it doesn't pay enough.