Senator Yertle McTurtle visited Pikeville last week to remind the local Chamber of Commerce that it's all Obama's fault. Everything that has ever gone wrong. Ever.
Dinosaur extinction? Meteor Obama. Crucifiction? Pontius Obama. Race relations in America? John Brown Obama. Deflategate? Coach BelObama.
And especially here in the coalfields, the War On Coal. Obama. Obama. Obama.
The ruler of the dismal swamp, aka the Senate, spread the muck thick by swearing once Obama is gone, coal again will be king. All we need is more Republicans in charge.
There's only one problem. It's all a lie. The dinosaur part. A lie. Crucifiction? Not true. Race relations? Please. Deflategate? An illusion.
The War on Coal? Just take a look at Yertle himself.
Hillbillies love a good fight and most often we prevail when the shooting starts. But sometimes we're so fired up for a fight we fail to identify the enemy. The War on Coal did not begin in 2009 when Obama took office.
The War on Coal began the first time a natural gas well was fractured successfully. That was long before 2009. So long, in fact, that between 2000 and 2008 the number of coal fired power plants decreased by 9%.
Not coincidentally, the number of natural gas fired power plants increased by 9%.
I repeat, that change occurred between 2000 and 2008. When George W Bush ended his presidency, there was exactly 1 new coal fired power plant on the drawing board. There were several natural gas fired plant in planning.
When the price of natural gas plummeted in 2008, the end was clear. But Yertle didn't let us in on the secret.
Maybe people forget Dick Cheney was CEO of Halliburton, the company that led the way in fracking technology. Ever hear of the Halliburton rule? Look it up. While you're at it, make sure you notice a specific Kentucky senator who pushed it through.
Yertle knows what the top secret sauce used to fracture those wells is, but you and I don't. It's in your ground water. Don't worry, Yertle wouldn't let us be poisoned now would he?
No, Yertle has been the real patriot by keeping we ignorant peasants safe from the wicked black man who had the audacity to win the popular and electoral vote convincingly not once, but twice!
It is Yertle who has protected us from all attempts by the administration to inject unused abandoned mine lands funds into the region to help stabilize the most battered economy in the nation.
It is Yertle who boasts that his proudest accomplishment was not doing the one job the U.S. Constitution outlines for him. Who needs that old fashioned document anyway, right?
Oddly, while Yertle was oozing around Pikeville telling tales, the president of Kentucky Power, clearly not a political fellow, stated coal was not coming back no matter who got elected. Some might think the guy who buys the fuel to produce power would know what the real picture is. If one fuel costs 30% more to use than another, what would you do?
Republicans love to talk about market forces and how we should just get out of the way. Except when market forces work against the turtle's favorite narrative.