So, it's the day after Thanksgiving. How's the diet coming along?
I know, I know. Nobody diets over the Thanksgiving holiday. Unless by diet you mean figuring out a way to eat more than any other person at the table. That's the kind of diet I once aspired to, but was never able to pull off.
It wasn't for lack of trying. As we all know, the proper Thanksgiving "diet" begins with putting as much food as mathematically possible on a ten inch wide plate. At this, I'll humbly admit, I am a 4th degree ninja master.
Without revealing too much in case my cousins read this, its all about the order you put the servings on and the placement of your mashed potatoes. Once you've figured out the proper pattern, the sky is literally the limit. How many layers can you pile on?
The answer is 4 if you're a 4th degree ninja master.
You can always spot a rookie by the dinner roll taking up valuable plate real estate. Bread should always be piled on last or, better yet, stuffed in a pocket. Here's a hint: go ahead and put the cranberry sauce in that spot and once you've filled every square centimeter of plate space, put your stuffing on the cranberries in the next layer.
This placement gives the benefits of adding flavor and moisture to the stuffing and cuts the tartness of the cranberry sauce. If more did this, people might want to eat cranberry sauce other times of the year. Maybe.
Just remember these two words if you have ambitions of winning the Thanksgiving diet challenge and taking home the stuffed turkey prize: order and placement.
Unfortunately for me, it's the eating the food part that gets in my way. Don't get me wrong, I've cleaned many a 4 layer plate. But heck, anybody can do that. It's the second plate that I usually stumble on.
As much as I hate to admit it, it's the turkey. I love the idea of turkey. I even like the first few bites. But no matter how much gravy I slather on, it's always dry going down. I'm pretty sure I still have last year's turkey stuck in my throat.
The least dry turkey I ever had was deep fried. But since my uncle burned down the deck after dropping a frozen turkey in the pot of boiling oil, my aunt has insisted on oven baked only.
Of course, this year many of you were just choking on the price of that turkey. Like everything else, Ben Franklin's favorite fowl was more expensive this year than last. But did you know bird flu took over 40 million turkeys out of the market this season? Hard to keep prices down when inventory is low and demand is high.
Flu shots people!
So remember these things if you have aspirations for next year. Every family has a stuffed turkey and you too can take the prize by following my simple advice.
And I know what you're thinking right now. Where was I yesterday when the turkey hit the fan? To which I say that's no way to prepare a turkey!