In a couple of days it happens again. We'll be led down the garden path to grovel before the ultimate pretender. You know who I'm talking about.
That loathsome groundhog. Fauxiphony Phil.
Long termers, all two of you, know I've never fallen for the meteorological powers of the rodent. I'm a man of science, after all. Nobody bases scientific truth on said rodent's fear of shadow.
If that's a sign of anything it's a sign the poor animal needs counseling. If the skittish groundhog is scared of its shadow, maybe putting the spotlight on it every February 2nd is the wrong way to go. Kind of like kicking the dog.
But I have a better idea and now is obviously the time to do it. Somebody get me Google's number.
Since we're taking those old stale names like Mexico and Denali and Panama and Greenland (Or was it Iceland? They're hard to tell apart.), off the maps seems like a great time to rename a few other abominations starting with Groundhog Day.
If you're going to have a day about predicting winter weather shouldn't you name it after something that actually predicts winter accurately? Nobody's Grandma ever once told them to find a groundhog to see if it was going to be a hard winter.
That's right, science says we change it to Wooly Worm Day.
It just makes more sense. I've already come up with a mascot. Meet Wolfpit Woolly. All we've got to do is find one to point the camera at on Sunday.
This is where it gets complicated. Wooly worms are hard to come by on February 2nd. They're usually doing their best predicting in early October before hibernating deep underground for the winter and arising as the isabella tiger moth in the spring.
Minor technicality. We can use AI or some other nerd trick to show an October caterpillar in February.
By the way, we should come up with another name for articial intelligence. We've been getting artificial intelligence for years from cable news channels and state legislatures. We should call it what it is, machine made logic. Write that down with a sharpie, will you?
.
If we're going to strip Mexico of a gulf, it only fair to rename something near and dear to those vandals to our north. If you've spent time around any of our beautiful bodies of water, you know just where to aim.
Let's call the Canada Goose what it really is...illegal. The illegal flying alien honker. And isn't it time to call canadian bacon's bluff? Ham medallions, I'm talking to you!
That'll show those canucks who's really boss.
After this last week, we might want to come up with another name for executive order. Isn't it funny what happens when someone in the West Wing realizes freezing all federal programs would take billions of dollars out of the economy almost overnight.
It usually takes Republican administrations at least a year or two to wreck the economy but breaking things is this bunch's great skill. They'll easily have the economy wrecked in six months or less by freezing the many programs that states and cities count on to provide day to day services.
I know it's a reach. But you love Wolfpit Wooly, admit it!