Beg your pardon? No need to beg, just put a large wad of fifties in a duffle bag and deliver it to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
Begging is so third world!
Now that the Grand Tortoise has officially declared the Trump to be without sin and the Cult of Trumpery has had plenty of time to shout hosanna to the highest, the Great Cheetoh has declared himself Chief Law Enforcer of the Land.
And to prove it he's set out on a course to make sure just exactly who these laws are for. Who they aren't for is the rich people who pay up to clear their own names.
Der Trump has been busy undercutting environmental laws, anti-trust laws, and consumer-protection laws for most of his term simply because they're in the way of his primary donors' ability to make a buck. And by buck we mean another billion of them.
But since Yertle gave him the green light, Commandant Bone Spurs has entered a new phase of making up the rules as he goes. It's pardon time.
The great part of this is how streamlined the process has become. Once upon a time, those seeking presidential pardons applied for consideration through the Justice Department and cases were reviewed by DOJ attorneys.
But the Trump recognized if DOJ attorneys were reviewing cases, they couldn't be covering his butt, investigating his enemies and finding new ways to put Guatemalan refugees in cages. Who really needs all that review when the cases are so cut and dry?
How cut and dry you ask? Simple. If the potential pardonee has been convicted of white collar crime he's clearly innocent. Everyone knows white collar crime is simply another phrase for doing business.
And when the Chief Law Enforcer of the Land is ALSO the greatest businessman who ever lived it doesn't take long to figure out what the art in the deal is. That deal is stacked.
Likely, within a month, Trump will pardon every millionaire who ever entered a jail cell. And if he doesn't pardon them straight up, he'll make sure their sentences are minimal to non-existent. Placing them on probation in places like Paris (not the one in Kentucky) sends a much clearer message.
Just look at it this way, he's killing two birds with one stone. He's emptying jail cells and clearing space to put all those homeless people from California. Fewer white collar criminals means more space for dirty collar criminals. And by criminals, we of course mean those not getting six figure tax breaks.
Once he's done with the ones convicted of money and influence related crimes, he'll get to his other cohort, the grabbers. Expect Bill Cosby to be pardoned first. He may get to Harvey Weinstein before an actual conviction, especially if ole Harve can give him dirt on Hillary.
And, without a doubt, expect a pardon in absentia for Jeffrey Epstein who at least had the good graces not to rat out any of his compadres before that little prison accident.
According to the Chief Law Enforcer of the Land, that pardon was well earned.