All is well. That's good to know, I can go back to sleep now.
Just kidding, I've slept enough. While I might not be the most "woke" dude, at least I'm awake. Too many of my fellow Americans are dreaming. And that's giving the rest of us nightmares.
Trump's tweet in the early hours Wednesday morning might have calmed his flock of sheep after Iranian missiles fell around the Iraqi military bases, but we goats aren't so sure.
All is well. The Iranian general killed last week was not our friend, by any account. But our allies are mystified by the action, no one in our Congress knew it was coming, and even Ben Netanyahu, Israel's Corrupter in Chief, has distanced himself.
When the guy who brags about killing Palestinian teenagers for sport has doubts about knocking off one more Muslim, you've got to wonder.
All is well. As we speak, thousands of American troops are on their way to the middle east, sent by the guy who swore to his congregation he'd get us out of there. The figurehead of PromiseBreakers must have changed his mind after being caught red-handed and impeached. But I'm sure no one will notice.
All is well. America's largest criminal enterprise, aka the Republican Party, continues to change the rules and ignore the laws to keep themselves and their dictator in control. Senator Yertle has shown he'd rather sink the ship than give up the helm. There'll be no witnesses.
All is well. An entire continent, Australia, is on fire. Imagine flames from New York to Los Angeles and you'll get some idea. The most important thing to know is it has nothing to do with climate change because Australia's prime minister, a science denier of the highest order, says so.
All is well. The American Territory Puerto Rico has endured over 900 earthquakes since December 31. Electricity and water systems are crippled all over the island. The good news is no billionaires in South Beach have been effected. The pretend one from Mar-A-Lago doesn't know about it and wouldn't care if he did. How great is that?
All is well. One of America's most beloved scam artist--I mean preachers--says only those who truly love Donald Trump are saved. But if you don't, you can still buy your way out. Jim Baker will give you special dispensation if you just send him large quantities of unmarked bills. Isn't it great to know he's rehabilitated himself after his jail time in the 90s? Praise the Lord!
All is well. If the Great Cheetoh tweets it, it has to be true. His fingers can't lie! Only godless liberals and other non-believers would doubt the chosen one. There can be no doubt. Or dissent.
The death cult of close advisors say everything is going right to plan. If killing generals and threatening sacred temples leads to World War 3, it's just prophecy. The self-righteous, the rich ones anyway, will be lifted up to heaven or luxury condos in Ecuador. Whichever is closest.
All is well.