Heard the latest news about Trump? Try googling it, before it's too late.
The whiner in chief is apparently upset that Google searches of "Trump News" bring up actual news stories. The world's most powerful sixth grader would prefer Google deliver you stories approved by Sarah Huckaby and Sean Hannity, aka H 2 Oh No!
Never fear, the fraud in the Oval Office is going to "look into" taking care of that pesky search engine. Once they find someone in the administration who's had an algebra class to explain what an algorithm is, they're going to make sure you only get reality news.
You know, the kind you get on MTV and InfoWars. It's the kind produced by Mark Burnett, the guy who created the guy Trumpets worship.
If the Trump team is unable to eliminate that pesky 1st Amendment, they have plans to create their own search engine with help from some Russian hackers. Something really huge and as reliable as a pre-dawn Tweet.
They're already audience testing possible names. The first option, Troogle, was quickly thrown out because it sounds too much like something the Donald avoids at all costs. If it's true, Donald won't present it.
The likely winner, Trumple, is fairly unique while sounding like something he'd love to do to the constitution. Got a question? Just trumple it.
For instance, when you trumple "Trump News", you'll learn that the Donald is the father of his country. You'll also learn that Senator John McCain's last words were, "By God, Trump is the greatest leader our country has ever known."
Who could possibly dispute either of those alternative facts?
Speaking of McCain, the death of the Senator from Arizona brings an official end to your father's Republican party. Many of you are too young to remember, but once upon a time, Republicans put their country before anything.
Now they put anything with enough zeroes behind it over their country. It doesn't take long to figure out why Senator Yertle championed the money equals speech idea. Russian and Chinese money works great because it takes them a lot longer to say something than any American. More syllables makes more cents.
Poor old McCain actually wanted to take money out of politics. How quaint! Many Republicans couldn't forgive him for that stance. The rest of them turned their backs when he suggested torturing prisoners wasn't an American ideal. That didn't sound heroic to them. What on earth could he know about torture?
The best way to find out is to trumple "McCain and torture". That will pull up a video of the late senator's last speech on the senate floor. Cadet BoneSpurs said having to listen to that, or anything else McCain had to say, was pure torture.
I realize, at this point, many of you might have doubts about what I'm writing. It might sound outlandish. All I can say is you can't spell truth without ruth.
I'm not making that up. Google it before it's too late.