All across the country, Americans took a break on Monday to witness a total eclipse. The next day vision centers from sea to shining sea were inundated with calls from Trump fans with burned retinas.
Like their fearless "leader", these brave souls defied the mainstream media and leftist astronomers with one bold statement:
"Glasses? We don't need no stinking glasses!"
There's nothing like having a guy in the Oval Office who leads by example. Even if it's exclusively by bad example. Unfortunately, many of his worshippers haven't caught on to that specific nuance.
Nuance in Trumpworld is when a tweet doesn't end with "Sad!".
While scientists obviously just make stuff up as they go, like the Theory of Gravity and air conditioning, Trumpets have latched on to predictions of another total eclipse crossing the U.S. in seven years.
Most are more than happy to point out the next one will cross the country in the opposite direction, superimposing a large sunless X on our landscape. The very same X as the one illustrated on the infamous Confederate battle flag.
And definitely not to be confused with the X that follows the name Malcolm or the Greek letter shorthand for Christ. Bible Thumpers don't do Greek, they're gonna put Christ back in Christmas, thank you.
Speaking of which there's a War on Christmas coming soon. Check your Fox News listings for full schedule. But I digress.
If the next eclipse isn't proof that God wants to Make America Great Again, well they just don't know what is. And they definitely don't want to hear another explanation full of scientific mumbo jumbo.
Who's got time for that anyway?
One guy who doesn't is our high minded Governor Granite. No, he's not really high, it just sounds that way when he opens his mouth.
The governor believes those troubles in Charlottesville would never have happened if we just taught the Bible in schools. He also believes prayer meetings reduce violent crime and the pinnacle of scientific thinking is the Ark Park.
The pretend Kentuckian born in New Hampshire suggested if those Black Lives Matter and Antifa hoodlums had just read their Bibles more closely, they'd come to the exact same conclusions as John C. Calhoun and Nathan Bedford Forrest.
Especially if they ignore the words printed in red. A true Trumpet can't see red now anyway thanks to eclipse watching.
It must say something that most business leaders resigned from Trump's advisory committees after his Charlottesville outburst while only one religious leader resigned from his spiritual advisory committee. Probably that business leaders weren't selling the idea Trump had divine backing.
Small church preachers get all caught up in the red letters, but those national TV preachers know it's the Old Testament that fills the offering plate and wins elections.
The prosperity preachers on Trump's panel say forget all that sacrifice and share malarkey. Jesus didn't really mean that for white protestant Americans, he was just trying to win over the Communists.
A real American knows all a camel needs to get through a needles eye is an Escalade and a strong will. The road to heaven is paved with poor people chanting MAGA.