Meat's been missing the last few days. He rang my cellphone yesterday.
"Hey, where you been?"
"Can you keep your mouth shut?"
I said yes. And technically, it was not a lie. I'm keeping my mouth shut as I type this out.
"I'm on the scent. I'm tracking Eric C. Conn and it's getting complicated. You got a minute?"
It was more like fifty three but who's counting? The only thing more unsurprising than the Conman on the lamb is Meat believing he can track the man down before Dawg the Bounty Hunter.
Not that he has to worry about Dawg. A $20,000 bounty isn't enough for him to fire up the monster truck.
"I said it was complicated SJ. Why did they make it so easy for him to run? Why is the reward so low for a guy who himselfed the government for millions of bucks?"
"Himselfed?"
"Conned you idiot."
You might be wondering why Meat is on Conn's trail. Meat's cousin was on a check and Conn was his lawyer. Now he's lost the check because all his records were "lost". Meat said he doesn't think his cousin deserved that check, but his poor wife sure did for having to put up with him.
Like anybody who wasn't a federal judge knew would happen, Eric skipped bail as soon as the opportunity presented itself. A guy with replicas of both the Statue of Liberty and the Lincoln Memorial is nothing if not an opportunist.
So Meat was ready when the news first broke. His go bag was already loaded with cash and a 6 pack of 5 Hour Energy shots. He started calling old friends with a grudge.
He followed leads from Allegheny to Dry Ridge to Corbin and back to Mud Creek. It's never dry in Mud Creek, but rarely predictable. After Mud Creek, the clues led to someplace completely unexpected.
Meat was calling from Palm Beach, right ouside the Mar-a-Lago resort. Meat is not now nor has he ever been a golfer. Or a Russian diplomat.
"Somebody's been protecting old Eric C Conn and I know who it is. It came to me when I heard the Eric Trump say those criticizing his dad 'aren't even people'. Somebody told me that's what Conn used to say about the feds."
That's right dear reader. According to Meat, Eric B Gone is holed up in Mar a Lago and being protected by the Trumps. He says anyone who could chump the government out of that much money knows the art of the deal and needs to be on the team.
Given Conn's legal issues, it's likely he'll be taking his talents to Moscow or Manilla for Team Trump. Somewhere a hillbilly who could use $20,000 can't get a bead on him.
At least that's what Meat has come up with. It's kinda unbelievable, which is why I shared. It's either true or Meat is a little more creative than I give him credit for.
I sure can't make this stuff up.