This column has been hacked. Do not turn off your newspaper. Call 1-888-BIG-SCAM to read on.
I'm kidding, of course. Cyber-security at Paddling Upstream is taken seriously. It has to be. Last month alone we rebuffed cyber-attacks from Russia, North Korea and Beefhide.
Our firewalls were too much for the Russians and North Koreans, but we had to unplug the cable to beat the Beefhide bit-busters. That's why you aren't seeing the blue screen of death right now.
Well, that and the printer doesn't waste blue ink on this page.
Hackers are making news in the world today. From stealing e-mails to social security numbers to credit card info, they're creating complex issues no one would have dreamed of just 25 years ago. It is entirely possible that foreign hackers could even have an effect on our presidential election.
That's the hope of candidate Trump, for sure. His Russian benefactors are leaking stolen documents every week. Of course, if you can hack into a server and steal data, you can certainly manipulate that stuff to make it say what you want.
Hillary isn't the only one having a hacking problem. Sales websites, hospitals, insurance companies, credit card companies, universities, any entity with information a crook can use is getting hacked. It's become as inevitable as death and taxes and quite a bit more traumatic.
Last week U.S. intelligence officials announced the Russians had also hacked into at least two state's voter databases. If they can get into a few other state's databases, the Donald's chances to occupy the oval office increase.
Trumpets of course ignore all this hacking stuff. All they're interested in is that document that says Hillary orchestrated the Benghazi tragedy, killed Vince Foster, and wrote "Who Let the Dogs Out". They still won't be able to point to anything good their candidate has done in his life, but who cares?
If Putin doesn't want Hillary to be President of the United States, then how bad can he be. Surely they can trust the former KGB head to want what's best for America. What could go wrong?
This might be a good spot to point out that the Dallas Morning News was not hacked when it refused to endorse a Republican presidential candidate for the first time since before World War II. They didn't even endorse Lyndon Johnson in '64, a Texan! A lot of older readers might suggest their streak isn't broken since Hillary is closer to an actual Republican than the reality TV star.
But that's another column.
No, it's hard to hack good old print. The original media isn't dead yet. I can guarantee you this column has not been swiped or altered by any Russians, North Koreans OR Beefhidians. We've increased cyber security to the point that at no time will these words be digitized or sent along a wire.
We'll just continue delivering this column to the News-Express office like we always do: Hand printed in red crayon on legal paper delivered by carrier pigeon.