Senator Yertle McTurtle announced this week that no candidate for the Supreme Court would be considered unless endorsed by the NRA. It's good to know he's taking the sober and sage advice of Ted Nugent when it comes to judicial appointments.
The truth is, Yertle almost feels like a real human when he hears Nugent's tender love song Wang Dang Sweet Poontang. The song has had the same effect on amphibians and neanderthals since the mid 70s. Ted will be performing at the East Kentucky Expo Center soon on his "Who Needs Guts When You've Got Guns" 3rd World Tour.
Ted Nugent is a perfect symbol of the National Rifle Association. He dodged the draft by crapping his pants, he hunts exotic animals in a cage, and he almost married a woman over 18 once. Manly isn't just a sandwich, it's Nugent!
An odd thing happened while Yertle and his band of Frogs were playing "it's not my job" with a Supreme Court nominee. It turns out the late Antonin Scalia really can't insult, harangue, and browbeat the other court conservatives from the grave. And because he can't, the their latest session is looking a lot more blue than Scalia's crimson neck would ever have allowed.
It's so strange that Clarence Thomas actually asked a question in a case for the first time in over 10 years. Now he finally knows where the supreme court bathroom is.
Our esteemed Senator McTurtle is doing his best to preserve the Republican States of America. It's party before country for Yertle and he's proud to be the shell that keeps his party safe.
That's why he has not weighed in on the party freak out caused by the Donald. Yertle sees a kindred spirit in the Trumpy one. Trumpy and Dumpy together will make America grate again, not to be confused with great.
We've always been great, but with Yertle and Donald's help, we will be grate more. All we need is the cheese. Good old government cheese.
While Yertle is mum about the presidential primary process, his colleagues are making their own noise. The noise you hear is the sound of major Republicans having to break their own arms in order to embrace Ted Cruz. You know there must be something fishy about Trumpy when the only Canadian nobody likes gets a thumbs up from the Bushes and Romneys.
Speaking of Cubans, Obama became the first American president to set foot on Cuban soil since Calvin Coolidge. The rumor that he was there looking for Ted Cruz's birth certificate is pretty accurate. Canada has pleaded no contest and offered to build a wall to keep him out.
Raul Castro was not much impressed by the president. "What the U.S. needs is a good dictator," he told reporters, "like my brother. We've been watching your primaries with great interest. That Trump has almost everything it takes to be a real strong man. Brash, bold...if only he could grow a beard."