Watched the state of the union address this week. That's the constitutionally guaranteed opportunity for us, the taxpayers, to watch them, the taxspenders, practice their applauding and cheering of every little nothing in a speech from the president. If the president says a particularly bold nothing, he'll get a standing ovation.
I watched this spectacle with my old buddies Moose and Meat, known locally as the M&M Twins. Moose is a hard core conservative and Meat is a flaming liberal and they can be seen at the Wagon Wheel or Post Office or Rusty Fork or on the bridge or at Johnnie's Barber shop cussing and discussing politics. When it comes to politics they both know everything and agree on nothing.
I figured who better to watch with. As for me, not being a liberal or conservative, I represented the fringe middle ground. This gives them both the opportunity to pummell me when they tire of haranguing each other. Thankfully, those moments are rare.
"Bill's looking mighty presidential, tonight," exclaimed Meat.
"Looking mighty ex-presidential to me," replied Moose.
"What are those things under his eyes?" I asked.
"Quack quack blather quack," responded Bill.
Neither Moose nor Meat seemed to mind that Bill's fifteen minute prepared statement turned into a two hour monologue with all the applause and whistling. They just used the applause time for their running commentary or to take turns throwing beer cans at the tv, depending on whose mug was being flashed. Meat got a little carried away and tried to throw a chair the first time Bob Dole was shown, but I calmed him down by reminding him that this was a special moment, seeing how rare it is that Dole would applaud Bill.
"Bill's right on his minimum wage proposal," gushed Meat.
"Destroy business," growled Moose.
"We got any more chips?" I questioned.
"Quack nothing blather blather," preached Bill.
As the show wore on, and the cameras focused on Bill with Al and Newt sitting behind him, two thoughts kept running through my wandering mind. I tried to share them with Meat and Moose, but they were pretty much focused on the politics of the moment.
"Bill's right about assault weapons, you don't need an AK-47 to shoot squirrels," praised Meat.
"Panty waste won't get my Ouzi until he pries it out of my cold, dead hands," shouted Moose.
"Was that Elvis in the gallery?" I inquired.
"Gobble gobble quack tax cut," declared Bill.
The main thought that kept running through my head when Bill, Al and Newt were up on the screen was this:
Bubba.
That's right, Bubba. Bill's from Arkansas, Al's from Tennessee and Newt's from Georgia, put that together and you have the greatest country in the universe being run by Bubba. The Bubba Triumvirate. The Tri-Bubba Commission. Bubba 'R Us. No wonder we're in such good shape.
"Bill and Al are making a covenant with America and that's a holy thing," babbled Meat.
"Holy my ear, Newt's contract with America is endorsed by Jerry Falwell," yammered Moose.
"I'm getting a strange hankering for grits," I drooled.
"Quack gobble blather God Bless America," Bill intoned.
By the way, if you were wondering what the second thing that kept running through my mind with each shot of the big three was, I'll give you a hint. Do the names Moe, Larry and Curley ring a bell?