It's the Friday before election day, so you probably can guess what's coming.
That's right: Trick or treaters.
It's more than a coincidence that the election is immediately preceded by the Halloween season. It's so much easier to sway a bunch of voters who've had the bejesus scared out of them. Why?
Some frightened people vote. Most frightened people stay home.
So this year, the waves of child vampires and witches ringing your doorbells are accompanied by several hobgoblins more horrifying to those of voting age. You've got your Ebola and your Isis and your Obama and your Kochs. All equally terrifying depending on which news channel or online source feeds your fear addiction.
We've gotten much better at scaring ourselves silly over the last few decades, what with the infoterror superduper highway and Nancy Grace. Almost everybody's scared of something now.
The dominant monster over the American psyche since the great monkey costar Ronald Reagan came along is, of course, government. Ronnie convinced us government was the source of all that is evil in the world. For many of us, government is more deadly than the black plague, more frightening than eternal damnation. The world clearly would be a better place if there was as little of it as possible.
It almost makes one wonder why a group of fellows would even come together to create one. What were they thinking?
Isn't it interesting that so many of those running for office on the platform that government is bad turn around and compare themselves to the same set of guys who created ours? Shouldn't they be distancing themselves? I mean, if you hated cars, would you tell everyone you were just like Henry Ford?
But I digress.
Speaking of terrifying, did you know that until last year, alcohol sale during polling hours was illegal in Kentucky? Many of you might think that's because they didn't want drunk people voting. Seems logical, but you couldn't be more wrong! Hang with me here.
What goes hand in hand with kids out trick or treating? That's right, adults having costume parties. That means Witches Brew and Hairy Buffalo punch in abundance just a couple days short of voting. And that means a lot of hangovers and recovering from hangovers leading into the polls.
So on election day, lots of those not too scared to get out of the house might just be ready for a nip. And if you were the provider of that nip, imagine the possibilities! But you gotta close the bars and liquor stores first.
Get it? No? I'll illustrate it for you.
Once upon a time, long ago right here in this place, I got to go vote for the first time. I was eighteen and looked every bit of fifteen. As I stood in line outside the old Elkhorn City hall on Russell Street, no fewer than 3 pints of liquor were shoved into my hands by different campaigns.
If you can't scare them enough, maybe you can get them drunk enough to vote for you. It's a time honored electoral strategy.
Kinda spooky, isn't it?