You can tell that Faux News and CNN (Cable Nut News) have turned the terror level up to kaleidoscopic krazy even if you've never seen a television.
Just the other day, my neighbor came running out of his house as I was getting in my car.
"SJ, wait. Stop! Where are you going? You can't go out like that?"
I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He was wearing an old rubberized diving suit and a mining helmet with mosquito netting hanging over his face.
"Can't go out like what, Meat?" My neighbor has been called Meat since third grade. It's a long story. Meat spends most of his time locked in his house watching the tube. Ask him what he's doing and he'll say "Gettin ready." He's ready for any threat from ISIS to Bigfoot, both of whom are equally as likely to come knocking on his door.
If they could get past his razor wire topped picket fence, that is.
"Protected SJ! You gotta be protected! Eboler is close!"
"Ebola? Ain't that over in Letcher county?"
"No SJ, it's in Pikeville! They've got the whole Pike Central Class of '94 quarantined in the hospital. It's all over the Facebook. Just a matter of time before half of us are dead from Eboler thanks to Obamer! Mark my words!"
Maybe I should also mention that Meat is a fan of the Facebook and lots of other things on the misinformation super highway. He holds the Hatcher Street record for single day shares of Rush Limbaugh status updates. He is a charter subscriber to the Sara Palin web channel. He posts anonymous comments that contain Thomas Jefferson misquotes.
"Well Meat, I'm just going to the post office and Dollar Store, think I'll take my chances."
With that I drove off, leaving Meat standing in his yard looking very worried. When I got back home in a couple hours, he'd retreated back into his place, drawing all the curtains like one more layer of assurance against the deadly disease.
It's anybody's guess when the land of the free and home of the brave became the land of the hiding and home of the scared spitless. I have my own ideas. Remember, a great president once said there's nothing to be afraid of but being afraid. Today's cable news politicians shout "be afraid".
When my phone rang yesterday, I flashed on the image of Meat in his protective gear as I picked it up. On the other end was a sound very similar to the sound of a whining dog.
"I've got it, SJ, I've got the Eboler!" It was Meat.
"Now Meat, how in the world could you get Ebola! It's not in the air! You have to be exposed to someone who has it."
"I have. They were showing them on television and now my nose is running. I've got it I know it! But I'll beat it SJ, I got to. Something way worse is coming our way. Coming to destroy our Elkhorn City way of life!"
"Something worse than Ebola? You mean ISIS? The government coming for our guns? Alien lizards? What, what's coming for Elkhorn? What is it Meat?"
"Didn't you see the paper Wednesday? It was on the front page! It's Pikeville. The Pikeville is coming for us!"