I just finished mowing my yard for about the thirty-fifth time this season. I swear I am not exaggerating. You all know it's illegal to do that in the paper. Right?
This may be the year of grass in Colorado and Washington, but right here in beautiful downtown Elkhorn, I can't keep the lawn mowed. The fescue is growing faster than kudzu! The rye is reaching for the sky! All this bluegrass is kicking my...well don't ask.
I'm not alone. Every time the sun comes out, it sounds like an army of 2 and 4 cycle briggs and stratton motors fired up attacking the onslought of green. Everybody in town is mowing or weed eating or trimming back the encroaching hyper vegetation. The only thing that breaks the steady whine is the rumble of a thunderstorm blowing down the creek to soak everything for another day of not being able to mow.
If you're like me, you've got to be wondering why this has been the summer of extreme lawn maintenance. I'm not sure whether to blame climate change or ISIS. All I know is all this rain this summer has terrorized lawn care technicians from here to Letcher county. Probably even further.
Just the other day, I ran into one of Elkhorn's master mowologists. I figured the best way to find out what's going on is to ask somebody up to their neck in it. We'll call him Jackie P to protect his privacy.
"Hey Jackie, what's up with all this grass? What's going on?"
"I could tell you, SJ, but it will cost you."
I should note here that Jackie is a professional lawn guy. I am what is referred to, by professional lawn guys, as a yard butcher, also known as a cheapskate. I mow my own. Lost revenue, as the pros say. So Jackie wants paid. I was ready with a cold glass of ice water, pure gold to a sweaty yard manicurist.
"Here's your water Jackie, now what's going on?"
"I'd say, the main thing, after you blame this president and the last president, is the rain."
"What about the rain?"
"It keeps coming. This is the Appalachian rain forest you idiot."
So there you have it, straight from an expert. The reason I, and you, have had to mow our lawns every four days this summer is because I am an idiot. And because it keeps raining. He's right, this is the Appalachian rain forest.
So if you think about it, which I've done way too much of, with all this rain you'd think we could grow all sorts of stuff around here. If grass and weeds grow like crazy in our yards, imagine all we could be growing on all those flat mountain tops. Since that fancy high tech beer making company is coming to Pikeville, I bet they'd love to be buying up locally grown hops. Good beer needs good hops I'm told.
Or we could follow in the footsteps of Colorado and Washington. If grass and weed is taking over our yards, might as well fill those industrial parks up with it, too.