Across the country, hard hit Americans are barely hanging on five cruel words. The check's in the mail.
How ironic the hold up will be putting the Trump's signature on the checks and not on the people who will be delivering them. Cadet Bonespurs wants the most reliable agency in our nation's history to be shut down right after all those checks are in your mailbox.
And before they're actually cashed.
Checks with the Donald's signature on them have a history of bouncing like basketballs. If you don't have direct deposit, better make sure that baby clears before running to Wally World.
But far be it for me not to respect Cartman..I mean Trump's...authority. Just look at his grip on the situation. It's the tightest grip that anyone has ever gripped ever.
As we all now know, it's absolute. It's all on him. Absolutely.
When I typed four weeks ago there were 6,000 cases of Clovid 19 in the U.S. Today as I type there are over 606,000 with over 26,000 deaths. Sounds to me like the reality show ruler has it all under control.
It just dawned on me that $1200 is about scale for a reality show appearance. See, he really does have it all under control! At least you get something out of being part of a reality series before cancellation.
But I digress. And my tongue's about to poke a hole in my cheek.
When I typed 6,000 those weeks ago, the U.S. was eighth in coronavirus cases worldwide. Today we're first with over three times more cases than our closest competition. As a bonus, we're also first in deaths with a third more than any other country.
Clearly, our fearless leader and his tealiban enablers have made America Great Again. And they're not through. The party of life is pumping up the volume on getting back to work and letting nature take it's course.
The people who matter aren't making enough money with all y'all sitting at home. Before you know it, some of them might have to sell one of their 17 bedroom cottages. Trump is doing everything in his power to get oil prices raised so you can bail them out. And it won't work if you're not driving anywhere.
They don't need immunizations or a working nationwide testing program or even a reliable test for antibodies for things to get back to normal. Fox and Friends says herd immunity will take care of us no matter what those dirty liberal health professionals say. Some sacrifices will be made, but none of us will have to make them.
The most important thing to remember is to forget that not only the last guy, He Who Shall Not Be Named, but the one before, George WTH Bush! made pandemic preparations that the MAGA administration defunded and trashed. Nobody could possibly have seen this coming.
But don't forget to remember that their thoughts and prayers will be with you when you're suffocating on a ventilator in isolation.
The check's in the mail.