With all the obligatory holiday happying and Christmas merrying of the last couple of weeks, we've gotten behind on current event philosophying.
You, the dear readers of this column need to stay current. I"m sure I know what you're most concerned about, so let's dive right in.
No, Meat is not in Oregon. He never got over the Texas overthrow hoax of last summer, so he isn't keen to lend his considerable coffee ground gravy talents to any militias. Not even the gold underwear wearing ones.
"You know, SJ", he said, "I'm for those guys and all, but the constitution says 'well-regulated' militia', not 'well-medicated militia'. And I hear the birders are coming and those people are scary."
Kind of surprising to hear, knowing his fondness for all things medicated. If you ask me, the videos prove those guys have been off their meds for a while.
Speaking of, a recent report by people who report things shows there were enough prescriptions written a couple years ago to provide a bottle of pain pills to every living American. A pharmaceutical industry spokesman says we can do better.
"With the rise of hoverboards, Go-Pro cameras, and the Donald Trump candidacy, we'll exceed 3 bottles per American this year."
Never one to be trumped, the Donald announced his plans to open a new resort in South Williamson, the epicenter of the prescription party. The Trump Pain Clinic and Casino will let hillbillies and pillbillies alike lose all their worldly possessions in an opulent, classy setting.
According to Trump spokesperson, and daughter, Ivanka, there will be a putt-putt course, a shooting range and no, it isn't weird that daddy thinks I'm hot so please shut up about that.
Now you know why the governor hasn't shut down the state's ACA Medicaid expansion as promised.
Speaking of promises, the president broke another promise by not coming to get my guns. No, the president didn't make that promise, every Republican running for office did. How rude of Barry!
Instead, he issued an executive order for more background checks which is clearly an affront to the 2nd amendment if you've never read it or the document it's contained in. Background checks to get a job, get a place to live, and get an I-Phone we can live with. But not for a gun.
Maybe people shouldn't be afraid of background checks for guns. Most people aren't that crazy and most of the crazy ones have never been able to afford a shrink so there aren't any records to check.
Is it possible THAT's why congress keeps trying to repeal Obamacare? They've done it again and this time it'll go to the namesakes' desk for either a signature or a veto. Trump Casinos put the odds at 1,000 to 1 on a veto.
Inside rumors we've made up say Michelle put a million on a signature and Barry is going to go jedi on congress and sign it. In a stroke of a pen, Mrs. O bankrupts the Trump campaign and donates the billion to Bernie.
You don't really think she'd give it to Hilary do you?
Once millions of Americans lose their healthcare coverage to the party of no, their electoral chances nationally go to nil and the Democrats take back congress.
But don't worry. They'll mess it up, they always do.