Don't look now, but the Super Bowl has been hijacked by Joe Biden and George Soros. Football crazy Trumpets are having an existential crisis.
For those of you unaware, the NFL Championship will be played Sunday between the Kansas City Swifties and the San Francisco SixSixtySixers. This match-up was predetermined by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to repay George Soros, Hilary Clinton and the pizza connection for certain favors unmentionable in a family newspaper.
There are no two professional football teams more despised by the MAGA faithful. Let's start with the NFC champion, San Francisco. Nothing more really has to be said for San Francisco. San Francisco is Sodom. Cheering for them leads to forced sexual orientation orientation. You might even be turned to salt.
I'm not making this up.
Obviously the true believer can't root for a representative of Satan itself. What about Kansas City, the AFC Champion?
That's where it gets complicated. The people who know what's going on, which is to say the MAGA faithful, can see Kansas City is really just a RINO. It may look midwestern conservative on the outside, but inside it's a seething cauldron of lefty philosophy.
You've got a star quarterback who hawks shampoo. Shampoo! There's a star tight end who promotes vaccines. MAGAts don't do vaccines. And worst of all, Kansas City is the chosen team of the Swifties, a world-wide cadre of individuals who not only outnumber Trumpets, but are even more irrationally devoted to their chosen idol.
Their idol, Taylor Swift, terrifies the idol of the MAGA faithful, Donald Trump. She's a woman, she's got more money, and she has a more devoted fan base.
So what are they to do? Boycott of course. The true believers will not play along with this obvious conspiracy and are going to show them by staying away from their TVs. And the bar TVs, too. And the TVs in the department store windows you see in the movies.
Trump followers are encouraged to show their displeasure by attending church and burning their NFL gear. Or attend a casino and burn their NFL gear. Or even go to Cracker Barrel and burn the NFL gear.
So expect a lot of burning gear videos on Truth Social and the app formerly known as Twitter. I just hope emergency rooms are prepared.
Some of you may think this sounds crazy. It sounds crazy to us, too. But as conspiracies go, this is the most rational one rolling around the conspiracyverse.
How hard can it really be to manipulate 32 teams playing a 17 game season so the right teams are playoff eligible, then manipulate the playoffs so the right two teams end up in the championship? Mr. Goodell could do it with one hand tied behind his back.
Conspiracies explain every lost election, every bungled congressional investigation, every court defeat of the party of Trump. A conspiracy explains this huge slap in the face called the Super Bowl.
The latter is the result of brilliant and ruthless planning and intrigue. The formers are the conspiracy of gross incompetence, generally not planned, but always effective.