A strange and dangerous ailment is afflicting newspaper columnists all across the nation. The CDC reports that 1 in every 1 print based opinionator is showing symptoms of this rare disease.
Trump Anticipatory Stasis Syndrome (TASS) is a devastating disease that causes normally verbose brokers of print punditry to sit before televisions, munch Cheetos, and stare blankly at the screen.
While many of the symptoms are not readily visible, specialists say the disease can easily be mistaken for simple procrastination, another common affliction of pundits. Unfortunately, the effects are much more devastating.
I talked to a researcher at the center who explained it this way:
"Semi-weekly opinion writers are the duckbill platypus of the modern news world. Evolution did not prepare them for the 24 hour new cycle where there really is no deadline. Because print requires hard deadlines, the columnist must always be ready to switch gears as the deadline approaches to reflect any breaking news. Then hope nothing really changes in the 24 or so hours between deadline and when the paper hits the streets that will make them look even stupider than they really are."
"The disease has been incubating for several years, just waiting for that one change in the environment that brings the virus to life. The mosquito so to speak. Once the Republicans made Donald Trump their official candidate, the stage was set. It was simply a matter of time. We're just hoping it doesn't spread to other folks on a deadline."
According to the official, the effects of TASS are nearly as terrifying as the Zika Virus. While the Zika virus can lead to microencephalitis in otherwise healthy infants, TASS can turn a pinhead writer into a opinionless Cheeto muncher. In other words, a normal person.
A cure is in the works, but no one is sure if it will succeed. We'll know for sure on November 9th. It'll either be wiped out or there'll be at least 4 more years of it.
Given newspaper columnists are on several government endangered species lists, this is probably not a good development in the long run. I've noticed a few odd feelings myself and I'm a bit worried. I think there was a deadline here somewhere.
I asked the expert if there is anything someone like me can do before it's too late. He looked me up and down and sighed.
"Let me ask you a couple of questions. When's your deadline?"
"Last night."
"And what did you write about this week?"
"Ummmmm...I'm still working on it. I'm just waiting for Donald's next tweet. How could I not? He insulted the family of a war hero, he refused to endorse the Speaker of the House, and he's claiming the election three months away is already rigged. That's just in the last couple of days. I've got to hear his next move. No telling where he's going next..."
"I'd say it's too late. You are exhibiting all the symptoms of TASS with a little ADHD on the side."
"What's ADHD?
"Oh, that's Aspiring Donalds Hair Development. It exhibits when you munch Cheetos and run your orange fingers through your hair."