Several of you have been asking where my next door neighbor Meat's been lately. By several I mean at least one. But that one asks a lot. They say be careful what you ask for.
The truth is complex and a bit confusing. At least it confused me. Your mileage may vary.
Back in the first week of February, I found a note under my windshield wiper. The note was scribbled with a red Sharpie. "Gone for a while. Back when you see me. Meat."
Since I get that note a couple times a year, I didn't think much of it. Meat'll disappear for two, maybe three weeks, then reappear with a sun tan or a neck brace or a brand new yard appliance. The man's got more leaf blowers than can be readily explained.
I usually don't ask where he's been and he usually doesn't offer. So I was pretty surprised when he showed up at my front door on March 1.
"SJ, you're not going to believe this."
"Well hello Meat, welcome back! What am I not going to believe?"
"I think I've met the one SJ. I'm in love!"
A little background is in order here. No, I don't believe him. Why don't I believe him? Because I've heard this about 267 times and, as you might have surmised by now, the man is single.
I gave Meat my best John Belushi eyebrow, making it clear I was skeptical at best.
"Do you mean to tell me you've actually been with a woman for the last 3 weeks? Where?"
"Well, I've been to Florida, to South Carolina, to Nevada, to Ohio, back to Florida, to Lousiville, to Texas...heck man, I've been everywhere!"
"When did you start following Phish?"
"Who the hell's Fish you idiot? I've been following Trump! That's where I met her..."
"Just a minute, are you telling me you met a girl at a Trump rally?"
"Well..."
Here folks is where the story takes a dark turn. Some of you might recall I had a couple cell phone conversations with Ivanka Trump back at the first of the year. Meat was with me the last time she called and grabbed my phone when I wasn't looking.
"Are you telling me you took Ivanka Trump's cell number off my phone and called her? And she talked to you? Just like that?"
"I sent her a selfie first."
I'll give it to him, Meat's always been bold. He swore me to secrecy and left. Not that I needed swearing, this was one I didn't plan on sharing with the general public. You don't need to swear not to share if you just don't care.
But when Meat called last Friday, he sounded as happy as I've ever heard. I guess jetting around the country with the daughter of a billionaire isn't a bad life. He even said that I could share his news with the world.
"Well you sound pretty happy there Meat. I guess you're staying busy with all those rallies, do you and Ivanka hang out with her dad?"
"We're skipping the rallies, SJ, we have better things to do. But I better not go into detail on that. And one more thing...I have a special name for her."
"What's that Meat?"
"Tater. This year will be Meat and Tater's!"