I know the first thing on your mind this morning is 'wonder what SJ is going to do with all that money'. Let's start by saying, "Welcome to the Upstream News-Express!"
They say I have an eye for emerging industries.
Next I'll be challenging those other two posers to a winner take all kayak race through the Breaks Canyon. How can someone be content with only 533 million dollars when they should have gotten 1.6 billion?
The first rule of the super rich is 'whatever you got ain't enough' and I'm a live by the rule guy.
Speaking of races, now that I own this paper, there'll be no more misquoting of mayors. Especially when they're talking about races that bring crowds of other people with money into our town. We don't ever want people who want to do things here to be discouraged because they haven't bought off city hall.
That won't be necessary because I'll be purchasing it for myself. I've always wanted to own a small town in southern Pike County. Even if I don't get my hands on that other billion, I'll have plenty to buy this place and still have about 529 million in change.
That much will buy plenty of 'Welcome to Ruthmore City' signs. They're going to be huge! Huge I say!
There are many already pushing me to get into politics and it is tempting. But the super-rich have serious allergies to bullets and actual work, so I'll follow the established practice of buying politicians. It really is easier that way.
I'd prefer to be one of the super-rich who poor folk believes does good things with his money. I have many pet projects that would go over big in Ruthmore City.
High on the list is a program to teach signature writing skills. People who can sign their names and list their actual addresses are hard to find around here, so I'm going to push. The best way to get people to learn is to incentivise the process.
So anyone who completes the program and successfully gets their name and address on a legal petition will get a $500 prize. We'll increase the prize to $1000 if it's a local option petition that gets certified.
With all this money, I'm going to see that some of my favorite places in town are re-opened. First is the Rusty Fork because I miss the convenience of walking over the hill for beans and cornbread and a cup of coffee. There's something about the tales generated in that place you just don't get in our other great eating establishments.
The second place is the I Love Elkhorn store just because I do. Of course, it'll be renamed I Love Ruthmore, but I think Shannon will go with the change. This time our city will actually work to get tourists in town to shop there instead of going out of their way to run them off.
Last, we'll re-open the city pool. There's not a chance it will ever break even, but kids and their mommies need somewhere to go on a hot summer day (especially the mommies). Saying you're going to open the pool will get you elected to any position in Elkhorn. Opening it will thin out the candidates.
I know what you're thinking. You're welcome.