According to the operation's manager, this is the 53rd straight week we've fired up the Paddlin Upstream processing plant to put together another defect-free discourse for your opining pleasure.
We're plowing into our second year, still proud to be produced entirely in the good old USA, and we've gone over eleven weeks without any work related injuries.
Safety comes first at Paddlin Upstream.
That won't stop us from going out on a limb every now and then. Even though this was delivered two days ago (Wednesday) for you to read today (Friday), we're betting many of you can't believe what that guy said last night (Thursday) on the debut of Fox Presidential Idol 2016.
You can not believe what that guy said.
Can't believe we could predict that one either, can you? Well we did. We have one of the best speculation teams working the speculation circuit and they guaranteed it. Our guys are 93% right 84% of the time and that was all management needed to hear.
They even thought they had a good idea what would be the craziest thing said and who would say it. If they could work up to four o'clock Thursday, they'd know within a 97% certainty.
But safety really does come first, so we're not going to make a bold prediction that a specific candidate said a specific unbelievable something. That would be foolhardy. That would be too far out on that limb.
And as a respectable manufacturer of pablum, should we really give credence to a programmed questioning of selected questionable candidates for a party six months before the first primary? We're one of the last independently owned and operated American feature factories left, why give time to the programming of a media conglomerate owned by Australian and Saudi billionaires? Half the candidates are on their payroll, for Koch's sake!
But times are tough all around and the accountants say collections are lagging so we've got to pump out something. We pay those speculators a lot so we need to get our money's worth. Without further ado, here are their top four prospects for craziest statement made at the first televised Republican presidential candidate's debate.
"I think Trump White House just sounds classy, don't you? We'll put that in gold leaf over the door first thing!" stated the Donald.
"After I punch teachers in the face, I'm going to punch Vladimir Putin in the face. I've got a hundred and twenty pounds on that guy!" boasted Chris Christie between slurps on his Big Gulp.
"Barack Obama is not a Christian born in Hawaii, he is a Sleestak from the planet Neetsor sent to take our guns." asserted Ben Carson in bloody O.R. scrubs.
"I'd do everything just like my brother would. You know, my smart brother Neil." claimed Jeb Bush.
We think those were all good guesses and we're pretty sure at least one of those statements is pretty close to something you heard last night. But in reality, on Wednesday we're thinking the most outlandish statement made on Thursday night, no matter what you're thinking on Friday is this one.
"Donald Trump currently leads the fifteen candidate Republican field with 23% preference of party voters." states Chris Wallace.