Here at Paddling Upstream Inc, we've embraced the latest technological advances in soundbite journalism to ensure you are fully informed using the least amount of words necessary.
As you know, we prehistoric print journalists once had the luxury of verbosity limited only by the amount of paper some publisher was willing to waste on us.
But not anymore. In the virtual world, ain't nobody got time for that.
If you can't fit it on a bumper sticker, who'll read it?
Thankfully, our readership will. You're of a higher fiber, the creme de la creme, as they say. That's why we've recently taken to Twitter. One hundred and forty characters is way too many for a bumper sticker, but just the right amount for those of you who expect higher character reporting.
There is a lot going on these days. Too much to waste a column on just one subject. If we went all tweet, we could cram about 25-30 different subjects in.
But I don't want to just throw you in the deep end like that. I realize there are some of you who don't get twitter. Some probably think only twits tweet. I assure you nothing could be closer to the truth.
Let's check out a few tweets from our correspondents from the last few days at @paddleupstream. This one's from our man in DC:
- Ted "Bonez" Cruz to head subcommittee overseeing NASA. Will convert all propulsion systems to modern coal-fired steam. #mrspockstears
That's right, everyone's favorite Cubo-Canadian senator has been named chair of the subcommittee for Space, Science and Competitiveness. It's a great country where a guy who doesn't believe in space, science NOR competitiveness can be in charge of them. Good news is the Ark Park will soon qualify for a National Science grant.
Here's one from our New York media correspondent:
- White House blew a great chance to stand tall with France against terror. Bill O'Reilly is choking on his Freedom fries. #shouldasentjoe
Some reports claim the president didn't know there was going to be a march in Paris. Maybe Ms. Merkela put it for Putin to invite him. Whatever the story is, someone more important than the ambassador's intern should have gone.
And here's a good one from our state correspondent in Frankfort:
- Senator Goldilocks to explore giving Kentuckians just what they're longing for: A presidential run to get him out of the senate. #runrandrun
Rand Paul has hired a campaign manager to "explore" his presidential bid. He'll have to explore his inner Houdini to magically appear on a Kentucky ballot in two races.
Finally, here's one from our sports and entertainment correspondent:
- NASCAR driver Kurt Busch testified ex-girlfriend is a trained assassin. If true, wouldn't Jeff Gordon be long dead? #shetookepo #wellplayed?
If someone who's supposedly a secret ninja takes an emergency protective order out on you someone might oughta take away your keys.
So there's a sample of how we use twitter here at PUI to get a fact filled screed to you each and every Friday. It's a brave new world, but it had to start somewhere. Based on exhaustive research over the last minute, we've discovered the very first tweet. For those of you who don't know:
- I taught I taw a puddy tat. I DID! I DID taw a puddy tat! #originaltweet #sylvestersdrool #paythebirdy